Last Friday I had the pleasure of co-presenting a relationship workshop at the Black Doctoral Network Conference. Many interesting points were discussed, but the topic of love stood out the most. The question of whether love alone was enough to sustain a relationship stuck with me. This is an interesting topic because the notion that love isn’t enough goes against everything ingrained in people. We are taught that love is a powerful feeling that can transcend boundaries, touch anyone, and is the cure for all. This belief is true to an extent but undermines other factors. In a relationship, love is the springboard but other things need to be present in order to stick the landing. Society has pitched the idea of happily ever after without showing the dirty work that goes into ensuring this future. Love alone is not enough to keep a relationship together. Here a few factors that need to be combined with love in order to make a relationship work:


Communication: Often times, relationships experience tension because two people do not know how to communicate with each other. You have to be able to express what you need and want out of your relationship. If you do not advocate for your desires no one else will. Do not assume that your partner knows what you need. Being in love doesn’t transform people into telepaths. Get in the habit of talking about the things that are working, as well as the things that need improvement.


Emotional Independence: It is important to be in charge of your own emotions. Be able to feel without having to rely on your partner. Your partner should compliment you not complete you. Your partner should make you feel happy but you should be able to feel this way alone as well. If your emotions are tied into someone else, you are setting yourself up for unavoidable disappointment.


Emotional Transparency: Be upfront with your intentions and expectations. Leave no room for assumptions. It’s important to let a person know where you stand in your relationship. How are you feeling? Where do you see things going? The answers to these questions shouldn’t have to be guessed. So much time gets wasted in relationships trying to assume what the other person is thinking or feeling. Often times, the assumption is off which only leads to more problems. Eliminate this tension by being upfront.


Love is an important factor in a relationship but it is not enough to keep things afloat if there is nothing else. If you find yourself staying in a relationship solely because of love, it may be time to reevaluate a few things.


This Topic of the Week was written by Malyka Cardwell, MFT.

It feels counterintuitive to seek acceptance rather than change as the first step toward a goal. We are bombarded with images and messages of who we could be, how much better we'd be if only ..., what others are looking for, etc. etc.

Is it any wonder that the prevalence of depression is on the rise the United States? Anxiety disorders are the most reported mental health disorder. This may be two-fold, accounted for by both an increased depressive/anxious feeling within people, and a push to medicate (i.e., more people reporting this to get medicated) away the problem.

How could we feel anything other than depressed when for many people, everything they see in the mirror does not match the images and messages they are told they need to be? How can we expect something other than anxiety from our own push to meet inflated expectations?

The United States is a country of more than 300 million people and rather than embracing the diversity inherent in such a large group of people, people are trying to fit just a handful a labels.

The discrepancy between who we truly are and who we are trying to be is a taxing effort on the mind. To both strive for something we aren't, while disliking who we are takes us further from the goal by sinking us with self hate. The internal effects of depression and anxiety show through in our unhappiness and hypervigilance and get in the way of connecting with people, of finding relationships, and being happy.

Accepting ourselves is not a panacea for depression or anxiety; there are chemical aspects to this that are genetic and biological, but genetic and biological component do not account for the growing proportion of the population who meet the criteria for these mental health issues.

By accepting who we are, we get a better sense of what we are capable of doing and of being. The change that happens then is based on what we have been given to work with, rather than an end goal that isn't even on our own field.

Finding acceptance isn't easy in this day and age. An interesting article by Bruce E. Levine views mental health issues as more of a “rebellion against society.” So how can we begin to find acceptance?

1. Acknowledge the accomplishments you have made. It is important to see your capabilities before you can begin to make any changes.
   
   
2. See yourself as beautiful. Think John Legend's “All of You” lyric: “perfect imperfections.” It can help you better focus on the substantial changes you want to make.
   
   
3. Follow your strengths, they can take you beyond the limitations you see.
   
   
4. Know yourself. You can't possibly have a path going forward if you don't know where you are now. Some of this is wrapped up in the first 3 points, but it's more than that. Why do you want (to be) something different? How can you be something different, someone who hasn't had your experiences? Who are you doing this for?
   
   

Finding acceptance in yourself before you set out on a path of change can bring your goals into focus much more sharply without the noise of external messages and the emotional dampening that can come with medication. It is character building and self affirming, and for some people, just what the doctor ordered.

This Topic of the Week was written by Brian Swope, MFT.

 If you are in a relationship with someone who suffers from depression, you are likely to feel confused by how to best help them. First, educate yourself on what depression is and the signs and symptoms. Being informed will help you better understand what your partner is experiencing. Next, assist them in seeking professional help if they haven’t done so already. Someone who is experienced at treating depression will be your best resource for helping your partner navigate his or her feelings. If your partner would like moral support, you can see a therapist trained to work with groups (such as an MFT) and attend therapy with them. Lastly, be able to recognize signs of suicide. These include having thoughts of taking their own life, making statements about things being better without them, sudden and unexplained happiness after a period of severe depression, and giving away their possessions. If your partner has done any of these, contact emergency services immediately.

This topic of the week was brought to you by Danielle Adinolfi, MFT