You and your partner hit a rough patch again. How many more times is she going to do that? Why does he just walk away? Now begins another fight that is going to last a day, maybe 3? Perhaps your friend has crossed a line again?

It's a relief to have someone to listen to us during these stressful times. But who do we talk to when we can't talk to the person who hurt us? A best friend, family member or your partner?

These people can be a great ear in some situations, but not all. Not happy with how work went? Is your boss making work difficult? Maybe you feel your were treated badly at the store because of who you are? Friends and family can be helpful when needing to vent about personal difficulties and issues in our lives. When the other half of the situation is someone or something we're not close with, there is little danger of tainting the feelings of the person we are confiding in.

Unfortunately, confiding about relationship and friendship problems with other people in your life can have an effect on your relationship with the listener and the relationship you are discussing. We want friends who support us, but after the fight with your partner has ended, will your friend ignore the situation and still act genuinely friendly toward your partner at the party next weekend? Parents are protective. Will your mom or dad be so accepting of your partner next time you visit?

It is difficult to support the person and the relationship in these situations and the danger is lost friends, less depth in those relationships and strained relations between the people in your life who are important to you. And so the next time there is a problem, will you go back to the person you spoke with before and will they be as supportive as they were last time? Can they give you good advice? Do they know both sides of the story and can you do a good job of sharing both perspectives? Do you know the perspective of the person you are fighting with?

These are good questions to consider, and the answer could be seeing a therapist.

Therapists aren't in the business of giving advice, but we are in the business of helping clients to make the best decisions they can based on their own capabilities. Therapists are also trained to help you to understand why you act/react/respond the way you do so that you can create new and productive ways of doing this when your usual patterns aren't working.

Seeking advice from anyone has pitfalls. Perhaps the idea they have works for them because of the experiences they have had and the way they cope. But simply following that advice can be disastrous if you don't handle situations the same way or if you react in different ways or aren't comfortable being in the situation like the person who had the idea.

Come see a therapist at PhiladelphiaMFT to keep the difficulties you are facing from spilling into other areas of your life. On an individual basis, the work we do with clients includes exploring the meanings and expectations and patterns that have brought you to this place and through this opening up possibilities going forward.

When working with couples, we focus on the interactions between you and your partner to build a healthier relationship. As MFTs, we have been trained to work with you on an individual basis and with your partner and that can change over time depending on the needs you identify.


This Topic of the Week is written by Brian Swope, MFT.

Boundaries are a key element to healthy relationships. Being able to set limits between you and a friend, family member or romantic partner(s) allows for the relationship to blossom without anyone losing their individuality during the process. Many people however struggle with setting as well as enforcing boundaries. This often plays out negatively in relationships causing arguments and discord accompanied by feelings of anger and resentment. Philadelphia MFT is here to explain how you can incorporate healthy boundaries into your relationships.

What are Healthy Boundaries?
Boundaries are your personal guidelines and limits in a relationship/interaction with another person. They can be physical or emotional, firm or flexible; but ultimately they show others how you want to be treated in your relationship with them. They foster healthy communication as well as respect between people.

What Does a Relationship Without Boundaries Look Like?
A relationship without boundaries can quickly turn unpleasant and chaotic. Feelings of disrespect and resentment can fester when people feel their needs aren’t being met or that they are always appeasing someone else. A relationship that is unbalanced or abusive in some nature is usually one that is lacking healthy boundaries.

How Can I Establish Boundaries in My Relationships?
There are a few ways to respectfully yet effectively establish healthy boundaries:

• Be aware of your likes and dislikes and what makes you uncomfortable when interacting with others.
  
• Clearly vocalize your boundaries so people can understand what you want or don’t want. Even if you’re close with someone, they still need guidance in how they should respectfully treat you.
  
• Always reinforce your boundaries whenever they are challenged. No one will respect your boundaries if you don’t respect them and follow through with what you originally enforced. Meaning what you say and saying what you mean is so important here.
  
• Recognize when your boundaries need to change. You can’t be too flexible or too rigid in your boundaries all the time. Knowing when to give a little or change your boundaries is just as important as knowing when to not budge on them. Find a balance.
  
• Show people how you respect your boundaries by listening and respecting theirs. Mirror the behavior you want others to repeat in their relationship with you.  
  

What Are the Benefits of Establishing Boundaries?
When you establish and enforce your boundaries you are able to develop healthy relationships filled with love and respect. Knowing and reinforcing your boundaries allows you to quickly recognize when someone isn’t respecting you which will help you address unwanted behavior. Healthy boundaries also allows you to be a part of a relationship or group without you totally losing yourself in it. Your needs are met while still fostering a sense of belonging.

If you feel that you are unable to establish healthy boundaries or that you are always overstepping the boundaries of others, here are a few websites to look to for help:

10 Way to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries
A Checklist on Boundaries in a Relationship

You can also contact the therapists of Philadelphia MFT for more information or to schedule an appointment to help you on your journey to a more satisfying and respectful relationship.

This topic of the week was written by Alanna Gardner, MFT