Desire, arousal, and the rest of the sexual experience is an easier process for some people, for any number of reasons. But that shouldn't make sex that takes more work any less fulfilling for people and relationships.

So where does someone start if he or she finds it difficult to start or stay in the game? In it's simplest form, it's following what you are actually feeling at that moment. Is sex the last thing on your mind? Do you feel pressured (by your partner, by expectations, by gender norms) to say yes, despite not feeling sexual at the moment?

And what if saying or hearing 'no' is not easy for you?

This is a recipe for a sexual experience that will most likely end in ways that no one really likes.

• Try saying, "No, but ..." Maybe it's not the right time for you, but in an hour, you'll have had some time to relax, or get done what it is you feel you need to do right now. Answering in a way that offers an option is easier to say and hear because the disappointment is lessened with hope for another time. With this route, then you should either initiate or not so subtly hint when the time is right. 

• Building the mood. A quickie can be fun scenario for late night or early morning or some situations at other times, but rather than just asking for sex, find other ways to be intimate that are arousing. Playful touches or words that progressively get more explicit can prime the experience.

• Explore what is satisfying. Maybe an intense make out session is enough at the moment. Perhaps there is something else you'd like to try or do. Sex means so much more than penetration and orgasm. Those are great means to the end when the goal is pregnancy, but if sex is about closeness and pleasure and fun, what else is there to this end?

• Saying no. If you're not comfortable, and you don't want to be in the mood, then you shouldn't have to be in the mood and you should have the permission from yourself and the safety in the relationship to say no. Coercion is disrespectful, abusive and rape.

But all of these options require a deeper understanding of yourself and why you are responding the way that you are. That is about emotions, but it is also about a physical state. Are you anxious? Anxiety is one of the biggest culprits when it comes to erection and ejaculation problems. You can not just will an erection or other arousal responses, which is why Viagra and similar medicines have limited effectiveness.

Seeing a sex therapist is a great way to explore the expectations around sex and sexuality in a safe environment to allow you better identify and understand your own thoughts and feels in an effort to understand yourself, your partner and the dynamics of sex. To that end, a more satisfying sexual relationship is possible.

This Topic of the Week was written by Brian Swope, MFT.

One of the more prevalent dating occurrences that have popped up in the last couple of years is the concept of "ghosting". Ghosting is the act of being in a relationship (or both parties involved actively working towards one) with someone and then seemingly out of nowhere having one person vanish from the life of the other person involved without explanation. No warning, no conversation as to why; nothing. It may sound bizarre but more than 50% of both men and women who are dating in this day and age have experienced this phenomenon. With the introduction of dating apps, easier access to dating prospects and busy schedules; it's easy to fall somewhere on the spectrum between being the "ghoster" or the "ghostee" (you like my made up words? me too.) So what do you do when you're the one on the receiving end?

Understand that it's not you; it's them
As cliché as it sounds, someone magically disappearing from your life can have little to do with how you behaved and everything to do with that person not wanting to deal with their own emotions or actions in your relationship. People often ghost to avoid hurting the other person's feelings when they have to have a difficult conversation or breakup. They could also not feel the same about the seriousness of the relationship.  But either way on some level they want to avoid awkwardness and conflict, so ghosting is appealing for that reason.

Redefine your definition of closure
In situations where you've been ghosted, you have to redefine what closure looks like regarding that relationship. Things didn't end traditionally so you'll have to do a lot of processing on your own (or with a therapist) about all the questions you have for that person and the meaning of your time together. Closure may look more like you gaining an understanding about judging a person's character or learning that you're way stronger than you knew yourself to be to have experienced and bounced back from being ghosted.

Allow yourself to grieve
Even though there was no clear ending or resolve to the relationship; you still have to give yourself time to grieve and heal from it. Being ghosted is hurtful and humiliating when you actually cared about the person and saw a future together. It makes you feel like you missed red flags about the person while you were cultivating this relationship with them. Allow yourself to be angry, sad, and grieve the hope that you had for the person and your relationship.

Recognize that being ghosted doesn't determine your value
Being the "ghostee" can make you feel like garbage but understand that you are not trash. Someone deciding to not see your value enough to formally break up with you is the other persons problem; not yours. It also doesn't diminish how meaningful the relationship was for you. Do whatever you can to reinforce that you are worthy of love and a healthy happy relationship.

This topic of the week was written by Alanna Gardner, MFT

  With so many stressors that are encountered every day, it is no wonder that we are all so stressed out. Here are some tips on how to reduce your anxiety

• Take a deep breath
  
  • In through the nose, out through the mouth. A deep, cleansing breath can help you relieve some anxiety by re-focusing onto your breathing rather than the stressor.
• Stretch it out
  
  • When we’re stressed we tense up. Try to pinpoint the tense spots in your body (like your neck) and give them a small stretch to loosen them back up.
• Look at the big picture
  • Will the thing that is stressing you out matter 10 years from now? If not, remind yourself that your situation is only temporary.
• Remember that no one is perfect
  • Don’t compare yourself to others because no one is perfect. We all have things we can do better, and you need to give yourself some leeway.
• Identify your triggers
  • If there are certain things that stress you out regularly, then it is time to find a more permanent solution. Try talking to a therapist to come up with positive solutions for your anxiety triggers.

This Topic of the Week was written by Danielle Adinolfi, MFT